“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does
not know God, because God is love.” (1 John 4: 7-8)
This verse and so many
like it in the bible have been the inspiration for our series on “Caring Well”.
There is only one true expression/test of genuine spirituality and that is love
(see also 1 Cor 13).
On Sunday the 3rd
November, Graham Hill presented this diagram as a model for understanding the
different dimensions of care:
I found this incredibly insightful and
helpful.
On Sunday the 10th November, I
shared that for me the twin skills of listening well and asking helpful
questions are the “wings that fly the plane of love”.
People feel incredibly accepted when they
are listened to: “Being truly, seriously
listened to feels like a welcome and precious gift” (Mackay H. 2010,
“What makes us tick? The ten desires that drive us.”
Sydney, NSW: Hachette; p. 29).
To love well ultimately means
seeking what is best for the other and this happens when we listen well and ask
open ended questions that invites the other person into a journey of discovery.
Listening well and asking helpful questions
also ensures that whatever practical help we offer is truly an expression of
love that does what is best for the other and not simply what we think they
need.
Below are 2 simple exercises that you can
practice with your spouse, friend, children, in your life group etc. When we
practice these skills we are better prepared at the right time in conversations
to reflect back what we are hearing in a way that is empowering to the other;
and/or to ask the right question at the right time that helps them indentify
God’s grace at work and a possible way forward for them.
1. Set aside 10-15 min. Agree that
one person will speak and the other person will reflect back as best they can
what the other person is saying.
Begin by asking: “What is impacting you most at
the moment and how does that make you feel?”
From
this moment on you can ONLY reflect back what the other person says and perhaps
ask one of the following 2 questions: what
else is happening for you? OR how does that make you feel?
DO NOT COMMENT, PROBLEM SOLVE, OR DO ANYTHING
OTHER THAN REFLECT BACK WHAT YOU HEAR
When the person seems to be finished ask
them: “What is the most important thing
you would like me to remember from this conversation?”
My wife and I regularly engage in this
exercise and find it creates a sacred space of honouring the other. I have also
found by doing this I am better able in conversations with others to, at the
right time, reflect back something significant I have heard and in doing so
watch the other person’s eyes light up because someone has listened and
understood.
2. 2. Set aside 10 to 15 min and
agree that one person will speak and the other will ONLY ask open ended
questions (How...? What...? In what way...?) The person speaking simply begins
talking about their day and the one listening asks questions that seek to
explore more about the day and what was happening for the person in the events
that happened - What drew them closer to God? What moved them away from God?
etc.
DO NOT PROBLEM SOLVE, OR DO ANYTHING OTHER
THAN ASK QUESTIONS
As
a listener don’t be afraid of silences in this exercise. If you get stuck
simply acknowledge that and say to the person “I am not sure what to ask next –
what would be helpful for you to explore further...?”
When
I do this exercise in groups I often put people in 3’s. The third person
observes and at the end of the conversation reflects back what they saw
happening; which questions were closed or open; which question/s led to the
most energy or insight from the other person etc. People then swap roles until
each has had a turn.
Whilst
asking open ended questions that invite discovery sounds easy; my experience
with the above exercise is that all of ask more closed questions than we
realise. Closed questions are not wrong and people rarely answer them with a
yes or a no. If you observe closely, however, you will notice that the answer
given to a closed question stays on the surface and rarely goes deeper into
discovery.
Doing these exercises may at first seem strange but I
can guarantee they will be life giving; AND you will be better equipped to love
well. Loving well more fully honours God and blesses others than anything else
does.
Have fun
Graham Keech
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